I remember thinking “I’d be 20 weeks now,” or “today would have been my due date.” I was mad that my body failed me, I felt guilty that my husband was grieving, I was scared I may never become a mother.
I had convinced myself this was my new normal. I never had any thoughts about harming myself or Mason, so it couldn’t possibly be postpartum depression (according to what I read online). I had never experienced depression before, these new feelings were just something I needed to get used to.
As my body started to change, I was very sensitive to how others were perceiving my changing body. I couldn't feel the baby move yet, but I was starting to gain weight. I wasn't ready to share with the world that I was expecting, but I felt like I had to explain myself.